I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
