i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it penis luge time yet?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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