I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
