I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize