I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
