I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize