You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
