i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
