I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
