have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Mom said you looked used
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The Olympian is in my bed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
