Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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