the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My breasts were aching with rage.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
