I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
