That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
