My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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