i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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