Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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