You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
