So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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