he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can you repeat that, but with context?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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