Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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