I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
