The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize