1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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