i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
