she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
