jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
