Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
