hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
