I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
