nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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