The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
