guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
