I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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