see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Acid is not a monday night drug
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
