turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
