I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
