Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
