I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
