what day is it and did you see me today?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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