...so i touched it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
