You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
