benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
