The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
