hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
