Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
