Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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