Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
