the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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