sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
