I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
