i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
