she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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