hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
