My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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