This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
