That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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