M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
