After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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