i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
