Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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