Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just tell him i said nine months
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
