I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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