Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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