so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
